Your First Therapy Visit

As I drove around the area of my therapist’s office for the first time, I felt my anxiety rising, not like it wasn’t already high before. I hadn’t slept at all in the past few days and eating this morning as not an option. After finally finding a place to park the tide of nausea rolled over me, this was it. I was going to walk in there, talk to this woman I had never met before, and let her see my soul. This wasn’t the first time I had gone to a therapist, but the last one had left a scar on my heart. The last one had pushed me to far, asked for too much, and wanted me to convert to her belief system. What if this new therapist was the same way? What if she asked me to do things that I was not mentally able to do? I doubt it, she came highly recommended by someone I trust, but what if. 

Once I walked into the waiting room, I could tell this wasn’t like your normal office. Where was the receptionist? Where were the blinding white light? In their place I was met with Marvel superheroes, a mini fridge full of soda, two giant couches, coloring books, and the history channel. Wendy stepped out of one of the three offices and greet me with a huge welcoming smile. “Alexandria? Give me just a moment, feel free to color or grab a drink and I’ll be right with you.” 

What to expect the very first time

Okay, so I’ve been to a few different therapists in my time and for the most part it’s all the same on the first day. They bring you in, run you through the things they are legally required to report, and then ask you a series of yes or no questions to gauge how they can best help you. But my god, is it terrifying! The thought of letting someone into your mind, to see everything you’ve even done, leaves you just waiting for them to shut you out and send you away forever. I have some news for you though, that’s very unlikely. Any therapist that knows what they’re doing will not shut you out, make you feel crazy, or judge you. It’s literally their job not too. So just take three deep breaths for me and allow the healing to begin. 

  1. They legally must protect you and others. 

We who go to therapy tell our therapists some weird and messed up things. We have a lot to work through, and they are the best people to help you work through it! But there is always a fear that once you let the dirty laundry out of your mouth someone is going to air it. Legally, they can’t except in a few extreme cases. If you say you are going to kill yourself or hurt someone else, not as in “I want to die” or “I want them to die”, but you have a plan in your mind about how you are going to do it. They legally must try and talk you out of it and if they fail, they must call the cops. Trust me, it’s for your own good.  

The other thing they must report is child abuse and neglect, but only if you see it first-hand. So, if you’re a child saying that your dad abused you, or an adult saying your wife abused your kids, they must report it. They must put the child’s safety before everything else. The reports will always be anonymous to help keep you safe, but they don’t have much of a choice in the matter.

In some places your insurance can ask for a copy of your therapy notes, which you can always ask for as well. If your therapist is like mine, they won’t learn any of your dark secrets this way. It will just be what you may or may not be diagnosed with and where you are along the therapy path. None of these things happen very often, but they do happen, and we have laws in place to help protect you and your loved ones from any kind of harm. 

  1. They may decide they can’t help you. 

Not every therapist works for everyone. My last therapist had a ton of high reviews and was super sweet, but she couldn’t help me work out my issues in a way I felt safe. Sometimes this just happens. Any good therapist knows this and will sometimes see it before you do. Yeah, they want to make money, but your mental recovery is way more important. At some point they, or you, may decide that you need a different approach to your healing. If they feel like they aren’t helping you, they may refer you to someone in their network that can. However, if you feel like you don’t like them let your therapist know! Tell them what you aren’t liking and what you need from them, they will either change their approach or help you find someone who fits your needs. Therapists are here to help you, you’ve already told them you dark secrets, what’s wrong with opening up a little more? 

  1. They will not start off with “So tell me about your mother.” 

I’m sure you’ve seen it in every movie or T.V. show that talks about therapy. Someone walks into this dark and boring looking office, lays down on this huge leather couch, and the therapist very dryly says “So tell me about you mother.” That doesn’t happen. I have issues with my mom, and no one has ever said that sentence to me. Instead they ask you a list of yes or no questions, like “Have you ever wanted to, planned to, or tried to kill yourself? Have you ever planned to or tried to hurt someone else? Are you in a relationship? Do you have any kids?” so on and so forth. This is to try and get a better understanding of what might be, going on in your life. Afterwards they will start off each session with “How was your week?” or “How was your day?” but not in a just being polite kind of way. They actually want to know how you’ve been and if anything as come up for you. They actually care about what’s going on in your life because they want you to get better.  

  1. Their office will be unique. 

Just like every house looks different, so does every office. Each therapist will design his or her office to fit the needs of the clients they are seeing, and to add a person flare. One office I was in had a rocking chair, more toys than I have ever seen, and the walls were covered with painting of animals and nature. The next was covered in painting of stunning women with blank canvases and paints hiding in the corner. Yes, every one of them had a couch, but it was a big, soft, comfy couch. No leather in sight! These people spend most of their time in this space, and they want it to feel like home. 

  1. They won’t throw drugs at you and send you home. 

No therapist wants to put you on drugs, they can be addictive and don’t always help.  You must be on the exact right amount of medication for your exact level of mental illness in order for your medication to do what it needs to do. Since that is different for everyone it takes a ton of work to find perfect amount for you, then you still have to keep going to therapy and keep changing your dosage all the time as you go through life. It’s exhausting for everyone and is super time consuming. A good therapist will only recommend medication if either one of you feel like you are too unstable for therapy, work, relationships, etc. While medication can be a life saver, it’s not for everyone and this is a decision you guys will make together. 

  1. Therapy hurts, a lot 

I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t like going to therapy. I’ve been going off and on for the past 10 years to different kinds of counseling and therapy… I still have a ton of work to do and I still dread it every week. Now, you may not have as dark of a past as I do, so it may be a lot easier for you. Or you may have a bipolar disorder or BPD, which means you’re going to be going for a very long time. You may also enjoy it; I know at times I do. There are sessions where I spend the whole time laughing and enjoying myself, and there are sessions where I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and falling apart for the rest of the day. This is part of healing. I like to say that therapy is like paying someone to rip out your soul, do a full biopsy, scrub it with bleach, and then try to shove it back in while making you do jumping jacks. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and it makes you wonder why you ever wanted to fix yourself anyways. But just like going to the gym makes you want to die; you will be stronger and healthier because of it.  

I may have been scared to death to meet my new therapist yesterday, and I may be scare to death to go back next week, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I will give anything to feel like myself, to have my own identity, and to be stable every day. The only place I’m going to find myself, is in my therapist’s office. If you haven’t gone before, please try it, at least for a little while. If you had a bad therapist who told you that you were beyond help, find a new one who wants nothing more than to see your soul grow. It takes a lot of courage to admit you need help and even more to go and get it. For those of you who are thinking about going to therapy for the first time, I’m proud of you for being aware enough to realize you need a little extra help. So, make that phone call, go to that appointment, and grow to be the best version of yourself that you can be. 

Wednesday Book Review Unworthy By Anneli Rufus

Unworthy: How to stop hating yourself by Anneli Rufus

My rating: 2.5/5 stars

Book trigger warnings:

There are mentions of rape, child molestation, abuse, and suicide. They never go into detail but they are there.

Unworthy is marketed as a self help book that will teach you how to stop hating yourself. Here the author Anneli Rufus takes us through her life of self hate and shows us how to dig out of this hole and how to stop being so hard on ourselves. Or at least, that’s what the goal of this book was. There are some really good parts to this book, but overall I was not impressed.

The first thing I noticed was how deeply I related to her when she spoke about her mother. It was like reading the pages from my own story, but from the mindset of an only child. Early in to the book I learned that she suspects her mother of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my Mother was diagnosed with before I was even born. I loved that she shared this part of herself with me because it really opened up a new outlook for my past that I had never thought of before. She speaks of her Mother with love and understanding, even though Anneli knows that she was the cause for her self esteem issues. She forgives her mother and loves her anyways, which is a skill I am consistently trying to learn.

The next thing I noticed was that Anneli was openly writing from a place of self hate. While I loved this approach as first, finding comfort in the relatability of the text, it lost it’s appeal the deeper I got. It went from “we’re in this together” to “look at how miserable I am.” The second and third chapters, personality flaws and self-esteem booby traps, are full of great advice, if you can weed through the endless amount of quotes and self hate. It’s wouldn’t be that big of a deal, if they didn’t take up the bulk of the book.

At the beginning of this story I felt like I had my own personal self-esteem warrior, clad in armor and ready to fight by my side as she lead me into the world of not hating myself. But towards the end it’s felt like the blind leading the blind. Like I was stuck in an endless Facebook feed of #selfcare quotes and tumbler screen shots. Every once in a while you’ll find some jewels, but most of it’s just negative garbage.

The other issue I have is that she refers to auto-phobia as the fear of one’s self. While that is the literal translation, it is more commonly known as the fear of being alone. If anyone reading her book tried to look up auto-phobia for more information they would find a different problem, though I feel both of these fears work together at times. I wish she had a short sentence starting “also known as” just to help clear up some information for her everyday readers.

Chapter 4 is where she loses me completely. In this chapter, The Upside to Low Self-Esteem, Anneli takes a positive twist to her narrative. She talks about all the good that comes from having low self-esteem and the lessons that we can learn from it. While I do agree with this, her approach angers me. She starts off the chapter by judging a woman on the bus with her, stating “The strappy skintight top and short shorts she’s wearing do not flatter her. I think she does not realize this.” She talks about how this woman is entitled and clearly thinks she’s better than everyone else on the bus. It does not occur to her at maybe this woman is overcompensating, having a bad day, or has a mental illness that she’s not being treated for. No, the only thing she sees is a woman talking loudly on the phone, dressed in slutty clothes.

She keeps with this holier than thou attitude through the rest of the chapter as she goes on to talk about how entitled Millennials are. How this high self-esteem kick has lead us to be more selfish, help other’s less, and generally not care about “social problems, current events, or energy conservation.” Honestly, I am very biased and completely disagree with her.However, even if this was the case I do not like the fact that she is putting down other people to prove a point. If this is the bright side to low self-esteem I’ve been doing things wrong my whole life.

However, my favorite chapter is the last. Here she goes back to the same tone she used in the first chapter, but instead of your defender she’s that friend you go to after a hard break up. She’s sitting there with ice cream and rum telling you “It’s okay to hurt and it will be get better with time.” If you read no other chapter in this book I do encourage you to read the last, just as a simple reminder that it’s okay to not be okay. That there is no rush to getting better, no rush to stop hating yourself. That baby steps are the way to go and that some day, you’ll be okay.

There is some really good information in this book and it helped me get a better understanding of myself along the way. I do like how honest Anneli was about her own mental health problems and I feel like parts of this book would be great for a blog or a memoir. Sadly, this falls flat as a self help book. There are some useful tips and advice scattered through out, but you could easily find this same information in a less judgmental way. If you are great at reading between the lines, or just like this style of writing, feel free… but I highly recommending skipping chapter 4 completely.

Episode one: What is Dysfunction Anyway?

Skip all of the reading and click here to dive in.

I’m so excited about this episode. Not only am I discussing one of my favorite topics, but this is the first stepping stone for a successful podcast. It can’t be a success if I never publish an episode, right? New year, new podcast!

This episode is all about what Executive Dysfunction is and how it can change your life. I explain what Executive Function is, as well as give a few examples so you can tell if Dysfunction is affecting your life. I also tell you a little bit about me and my story with this symptom.

If you liked what you heard, or didn’t, be sure to let me know either in the comments of this post or on any of our social media platforms. Thank you for listening and I’ll see you again on Wednesday for my first book review of 2020.

Sources:
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/executive-function/
https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/executive-function#1
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_functions
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genie_(feral_child)

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What is this blog about?

Hello and welcome to the official blog for the podcast The Gift of Dysfunction podcast. This is a podcast all about mental health, with stories and tips to help you feel a little less alone. I, Alexandria Fitzgerald, mostly talk about Executive Dysfunction and my other mental illnesses. However, no mental health issue is off the table.

This blog serves as a space for me to update y’all on the podcasts progress, share a text version for our deaf friends, and include stories that may not get told otherwise. Our first episode, “What is Executive Dysfunction Anyways?” will be up this Friday, January 3rd. Be sure to follow us on Spotify and be one of the first to tune in!